Concerning a mental roadblock

I'm in the mood to give voice to some random thoughts and since you are a somewhat captive audience, buckle your seatbelt. I am starting to get a little frustrated at the process of establishing my life in Korea. Actually, that sentence was kind of my case and point- I feel like I should not still be establishing and transitioning but actually living out this year. I have now been here 7 weeks and am in this weird place where I have been here long enough to get more comfortable and familiar enough to branch out and yet, I'd still rather be in my apartment watching Glee (and in no way is this a bad thing in and of itself, Glee is fabulous) than going out and learning something. I gave myself some leeway of comfort and familiarity in the first few weeks when I was legitimately getting my feet here, but my self-imposed grace period is wearing thin. I feel conflicted because my rational side absolutely knows that it is crazy not to take advantage of the opportunities I have here; I am privileged to be in such a position to understand a people so foreign to my own. Does that mean that I am taking advantage of it? Not really. I have gone on 1 hike, I have shopped around Seoul a few times, I went to see a Greek movie in Busan and have displayed an impressive amount of determination in seeking out each and every foreign restaurant and English language book store. I am not learning the language, trying the food much (that drive has been really diminished after my culinarily traumatic first week), meeting or spending time with anyone save my coworkers or feeling much excitement about getting to know Korea. Granted, it is not like I don't enjoy work or where I am living, there are a lot of really great things here, but that "great" is more tepidly pleasant than wow-ing. I just feel frustrated that I'm not that engaged here yet when I assumed that, by now, I would be secure enough to take more risks. This could easily be the Unfair First Love Syndrome where nothing will ever or could ever live up to what I had in England, I could very well have inflated expectations of how I would find Korea. I guess I feel overwhelmingly apathetic and wish that was not the case. When I talk to people about what I am doing, there is a glamorous expectation of picking up and schlepping to Asia for a crazy, unpredictable year. In reality, Korea is polite, really really homogeneous, and crawling with people. It is the country where I sleep, eat, and go to work. I just gotta ask...where is the romance?

To answer myself, as you have licence to do in an angsty blog, I know that it is largely self-created and that your happiness is most often completely in your own hands. I also know that life would be equally stagnant (at least at times) at home, but it would be offset by the comforting familiarity of what I know. I am just disappointed in my constant impulse to override anything I see with that familiarity and trick myself, with the onslaught of foreign restaurants and English language bookstores, into making Korea into an imitation United States instead of letting it be what it is. Well, long-winded soliloquies (as this is beginning to feel like one) are part of my process of working through the slightly down days to crush meaning out of this experience whether it is forthcoming or no. At least, at the end of the day, I have complete and total faith in my stubbornness. I want to have the year that people (and I) expect so much that it will happen in some way or another. Huh- random memory. I didn't like tea when I first got to Norwich. I just kept trying it until my taste buds were used to it and I was accustomed to the bitterness. Then, I liked the taste and experience enough to genuinely enjoy the whole thing. Well, Toto, we're not in Earl Grey anymore, more like green tea, but this cup will go down the hatch, gosh darn it, and I will eventually appreciate it too, whether I like it or not.

News-wise, as you might expect from the indulgent venting you just waded through, this week was a tad scanty. Work is fine, NYU (my class of 6 yr olds) already has 5 little pumpkins down flat and Columbia (my class of 5 yr olds) can aaaaaalmost hold up the right amount of fingers in each part of the song. We're getting there. I joined a gym, so that's good news, and as it's right between work and home, it couldn't really be more convenient. Tuesday night, the girls and I checked out a new Thai Restaurant (more evidence of my unfortunate and very bad Korean Avoidance Plan) which had some yummy mild yellow coconut curry (lots o adjectives, I know) and we sat on fun pillows on the floor, eating off of coffee tables. Tomorrow, we have some mandatory teacher training in Seoul for a few hours, and after, more shopping and then probably a French restaurant in the foreigner district...I mean a very authentic and fulfilling Korean dining experience....cough. Anyway, more soon! Love from a mostly fine Becks.

PS- I still really look forward to hearing from you all, it helps keep the slightly grayer days in perspective. HINT. Conveniently enough, I am very easily reached via skype (endresba), email (beckyaendres@gmail.com), facebook, or even by pushing the clever and innocuous "comment" button at the end of this blog. You all should give it a try sometime.