Concerning too many ups and downs but at least there are the ups

Hi everyone!

What a week, by turns fantastic and terrible. To start with the terrible parts- I had a full on panic attack thursday night which was less than fun. I was anxious to begin with and on edge from the whole apartment business (of which more below) and reading a very upsetting part of my book where the main character has to kill an incontinent man out of pity. Having just gotten through the thick of it, I looked at the clock and happened to catch a reproaching glimpse of midnight, the neon glaring at me to get to bed. (Who needs mom when I have my own demanding sub-conscious and an alarm clock?) So, I decided to be responsible in lieu of reading myself into a better place in the book. That led to too many half hours of tossing and twisting my blankets until I heard a noise outside my door. Somehow in that moment I forgot that I have three locks and that opening my door emits a noise akin to an army air raid but was sure I was going to be murdered by burglars. I grabbed the only thing I could reach...my hair dryer...and set forth well armed to take on the imaginary intruder. It was when I got in my living room, hair dryer still in hand and door still firmly locked and closed, that I really really realized that I am aaaaaaaaaaalone here. Capital A. My whole subsequent anxiety about A leaving was for what I WOULD feel and now that's crossed the temporal line into what I DO feel. I sat down on my couch and had myself a thorough little pity party, very well aided by the fact that my parent's skype went on the fritz for about 2 weeks and I thought I wouldn't get to talk to them on the phone anymore and that both of my sisters were still sleeping. So, me myself and I blubbered for about twenty minutes before a very patient friend happened to call me on skype and listened to me blubber for about twenty more before I had got it all out of my system. The good news is that now that I have begun to adjust to being alone here, it's nothing I can't handle. Yeah, it didn't feel good or empowering to be sitting on my couch crying to an empty apartment at 1 in the morning but at the same time, I never lost sight of the fact that these were normal feelings and that I was just letting it out to get it over with. Even as upset as I was, I'm not questioning being here which IS certainly empowering in its own right.

So, as to the apartment stuff. Well, my school believes that it is compromising with me. I can remain in it at least until the end of March when they want the next employee's replacement to move in with me or me to move out. I do have to pay the 200 dollar monthly difference in the meantime but I think that as important as my space is to me, it's worth it. I am having a meeting with my bosses tomorrow to lobby for them to just let me pay the difference for the rest of my contract. I see no reason they wouldn't let me as they aren't losing a cent on it, they already made sure of that. So, we'll see, and honestly, if this is resolved, then my last little frayed edges of adjustment will be nicely smoothed into place. I hope hope hope that it does.

So, now on to the fun stuff. First, my parents repaired skype somehow so yay for that. Everything seems less desperate with a mom and dad in the picture to whine to. Also, they have decided that I should join them for a month long cruise that leaves 2 weeks after I get back from South Korea. As my age deadline for Holland America is rapidly approaching and I can't think of another opportunity when I could just take a month off of work, I think I might just have to take them up on that...especially as this particular cruise happens to be bound for Tahiti and Bora Bora....tough life.

Second, we had English club again on friday which was reasonably fun again. The discussion was kind of boring because it was on the Hyundai car market...but, not bad and I made a very sweet Korean friend who is in her mid twenties. We're doing dinner soon and I feel proud of myself to be branching out even just this little bit from my work bubble. Saturday, we had Mom's Day where the mothers come in for an interactive class with their kindies. Basically, I drilled their little pants off the week before so that they would be oh so spontaneously brilliant the morning of. Funnily enough, my brilliant 7 year olds completely clammed up (but were fine anyway) while my dubious renegade 6 year olds knocked their parents socks off by reading their sentences, complete with the word "delicious". It's bizarre, in the last 2 weeks Columbia has just decided that it can read after all. Huh. Must be doing something right somewhere along the way. After that, my work friends came over for a movie and then we went out for galbi (MORE Korean food, look at me go!), drinks, and a noribong (the private karaoke room experience). Fun night. Sunday I had the new teacher Chad over for dinner. He's a sweetheart and has the exact same taste in TV and movies as I do (Moulin Rouge, Glee, and True Blood) so this one's going to be fun to have around.

Last fun thing is that Thanksgiving is around the corner! Yes, I alternate between being excited and completely dreading the holidays but I am mostly harboring good thoughts about them now. I do wish I could be there with Dad today for his birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD, LOVE YOU!!) but he's living the life somewhere around Mexico so something tells me he's doing just fine. AND, I just solidified some plans with a friend here for a Christmas sleepover extravaganza with PJs and movies and food aplenty. That, combined with our looming foreigner turkey party is this saturday (after another wedding that I have been randomly invited to), has brightened my spirits. Hope that this upswing just keeps on going but for now, doing better and better. Love!!

B